Lieutenant Tom Paris - Personal Log: Stardate 48427.3

Suddenly life seems precious.

Harry and I are off on a little test flight in one of the shuttles. We've lost so many of them that we have to jerry-rig the ones we have left, using salvaged parts and some modifications from B'Elanna's bag of tricks. Trouble is, I'm not really sure if the hull will withstand the changes. Harry and I could end up inspecting the damage from the outside!

Normally I'd be licking my lips at the thought of the adrenaline rush, the chance to live up to that old Flyboy image. So why are there knots unravelling in my gut? Why do I want to lie very still in a cool, dark room and let someone else fly the damn thing? Too much to live for, all of a sudden. Too much to hope for.

He called me, in the night. Six days ago. His voice sounded so....lost, so uncertain. It must have been hard, to admit a need, to admit he couldn't cope on his own anymore. Even in my wildest fantasies, I didn't really believe he'd choose me over the Captain. He must feel something. Fuck, the emotional current I'm throwing out would be hard for even a Borg to miss! 

Since that first night, he has let me into that quiet place that he surrounds himself with. Just simple things, A drink at Sandrine's, breakfast in the messhall, walking back to quarters after a bridge shift. I have caught him looking at me sometimes, with that deep, focused stare of his. I think he must be wondering what is happening.

I knew I had been right to stay close when he finally let me all the way in last night. We'd been running flight sims on the holodeck, and he just sort of...broke open. Like he had held it in for so long, and then, in the end, there was no reason not to tell someone. No, not *someone*. Me. Right place, right time, exactly as I had hoped.

I remember after Auckland, how desperate I was to share my fear with someone. The terror that I would never know myself again. After such an act of violence, a person has to rebuild himself. Maybe I didn't do such a bad job on my own, but fuck knows I've wished for someone to talk to, even now.

I can't forget the feel of him trembling under my hand, his eyes closed, fighting for control. I wanted to touch his face. To hold him. He was showing me something that I don't think even the Captain has seen. Fear, and a need to share. He wasn't alone. And God help me, neither was I.

That first night, in the Observation Lounge, I dared a joke about a goodnight kiss and I swear he shivered a little! Maybe I should have risked it, but I don't want to scare him. He's beginning to trust me, and there will be another time. Which brings me back to my first point.....

Suddenly life seems precious.
*****

The Shuttle bay was quiet as Tom approached, his off-key whistling wavering a little as he entered the hangar. Flying a shuttle was a little pleasure he enjoyed much more than he should; he loved to feel the duranuim humming under his fingers as he made the little personal adjustments impossible when flying Voyager. He grinned with anticipation as he bounded up the shuttle ramp, looking for Harry. His friend was not obvious, and Tom settled himself at the conn, checking the displays and the course profile. Major modifications of this scale were unpredictable, and beneath the tingle of excitement Tom could feel a knot of anxiety that he had been unable to shake.

*Stupid to think he would come and see you off......*

Tom snorted at his own romantic foolishness, and called for Harry. He was ready for launch, and Harry should have been here five minutes ago. There was a rustle behind him, and he felt soft breath on his neck.

"Hey, where've you been hiding Harry...?" Tom broke off in confusion as Chakotay swung the conn chair slowly round, fixing Tom with eyes that seemed to be concealing something.

"Change of plan, Lieutenant. Harry was needed in Engineering, B'Elanna was very specific as usual! I'm afraid the only replacement at short notice was me."

Tom noted the emotion shifting behind the commander's gaze, a wary excitement tinged with embarrassment. He allowed his own pleasure at the re-arrangement to show openly on his face, and was rewarded by a slow smile from Chakotay.

"Two pilots are better than one...." he joked, and swung his chair back to the conn, as his companion took up position beside him.

Janeway's distinctive tones filled the shuttle cabin, and Tom glanced at her face on the comm screen.

"Is the Commander with you yet Tom? There was a change of plan..."

"Yes thank you ma'am. He's been invaluable so far. Don't know what I would've done without him to tell the truth..."

Janeway allowed herself a tiny smile, and felt her shoulders relax a little. She had been right to insist that Chakotay go on this flight. Maybe the mission would help the commander to put the Kraden incident behind him. Tom would be a good distraction! She had not been unaware of the change in the status of their relationship, and wondered, not for the first time, how the mercurial pilot had managed to reach her stoic First Officer.

"Bridge, we're ready when you are."

Tom flicked his eyes across to his co-pilot, and was startled by the intensity of the stare that he encountered. For a split second Tom felt uncomfortable.

"Tractor beams initialised, opening shuttle bay doors..."

Once clear of Voyager, Tom flew the shuttle with easy assurance, and soon the two men were engrossed in the flight, putting the graceful little ship through her paces. The modifications seemed to be holding up well, the shuttle was 13% more manoeuvrable, energy efficiency was slightly improved, and the shields would withstand more damage than before.

"She's handling well. Should be harder to crash this one! That'll please Tuvok!"

The commander was sprawled uncharacteristically in his chair, eyes following the pilot's hands as they danced over the controls in front of him. He seemed relaxed in a way that Tom hadn't seen since the experience with the Vori.

"Hey, Mister Maquis pilot! How about a little REAL flying?"

With an irrepressible grin, Tom flicked the shuttle off-line and gestured to Chakotay's control panel.

"She's all yours hot shot!"

The shuttle lurched alarmingly, and Chakotay cursed as he scanned the data screen, his hands automatically correcting the flight plan even as his brain calculated the figures. It took him a few minutes to get the feel of her, but was soon flying in elegant sweeps, eyes fixed in concentration to the constantly changing readout, fingers following seamlessly. It was exhilarating and frustrating and difficult, and he hadn't had so much fun since...since...

Chakotay smiled his rare smile, and Tom's heart did slow somersaults. This was going well. His instincts had been correct, and Chakotay was definitely distracted.

Tom turned his face away to hide the pleasure that heated his skin. It took the voice of the Captain acidly requesting their return to break the spell.

Tom began to formulate a plan for the evening, involving a bottle of replicated French wine, a leisurely game of pool and maybe the goodnight kiss he'd been dreaming about.

As he allowed the computer to push the shuttle into a graceful arc towards Voyager, he swivelled the pilots chair towards the suddenly silent man beside him.

Chakotay seemed uneasy, and was staring fixedly at the display in front of him. His eyes, however, were not moving, and his jaw was clenched imperceptibly. A casual observer would have admired the man's concentration, but Tom had stopped being a casual observer where Chakotay was concerned a long time ago.

Not moving his gaze from the panel in front of him, or his hands from the controls, Tom spoke gently, his words carefully neutral.

"Commander, we need to get ready to dock with Voyager. Can you initiate the procedure?"

Chakotay appeared not to have heard him, his shoulders were trembling slightly, and his eyes stared down blankly.

"Commander......Chakotay...?"

Tom raised his voice slightly, and recognised a note of panic underneath his question. He switched the shuttle entirely over to the computer, and rose slowly, not wanting to startle the man a few meters away. There was something very wrong and Tom had the sensation that he already knew what it was. As he closed the distance between himself and the catatonic Chakotay, he knew that this could only be another Kraden dream.

"You're not alone, I'm here..." Tom whispered, almost to himself as he reached out and tenderly allowed his fingers to stroke Chakotay's hand, where it gripped the console in front of him. 

There was no reaction, and Tom knew the dream had taken a firm grip. He would need to be careful.

"Chakotay...Chakotay, you're dreaming again....wake up. Wake up. It's Tom, you need to wake up...."

Tom risked a hand on the commander's shoulder and when he got no response, he raised the other hand to the other shoulder, pulling the First Officer round to face him.

Chakotay was rigid with tension, his face twisted into a harsh, angry mask. The normally expressive, thoughtful eyes were blank, and Tom repressed a shudder.

He reached a hand up and pushed the sweat-soaked hair back from the agonised face in front of him, and although he was prepared, Chakotay's reaction still stunned him. With lightning speed, the commander had twisted Tom's arm viciously between them, eliciting a sharp cry of pain.

"Kraden beast.....you have nullified my friends....." Chakotay's voice was husky with rage, and his hands promised more.

"You have nullified and nullified, and left them upturned. Now is the time for you to tremble, for I will nullify you, and all your kind....."

Chakotay's savage grip intensified, and Tom gasped as he realised that with another twist his arm would break.

"Chakotay..." he pleaded, forcing his body to relax against the oblivious commander. His arm was numb, almost dead.

Chakotay hesitated, and Tom saw a flicker in the empty eyes. His passivity was not anticipated and therefore confusing.

Tom followed his instincts, and using his free arm to draw Chakotay's face close to his, he saw a way to break the dream's hold. Breathing with ragged, uneven breaths he took a second to run his thumb across Chakotay's mouth before kissing him with a bruising passion that surged from his heart.

Chakotay's lips were soft despite his angry words and as he opened them in a little gasp of confusion, Tom took full advantage. He pulled the dark head closer, his long fingers curled around the strong jaw, and thrust his tongue into the unbearable heat, his eyes fixed on the dark gaze, waiting for a spark of reaction. The pilot was relentless. He kissed Chakotay with the frustrated passion of someone who has found something thought lost forever, willing the man to surface from the nightmare and recognise his attacker.

Tom saw the exact moment that Chakotay broke free of the dream. His eyes clouded for an instant, then re-focused and the shock of recognition drew a shudder of reaction from both men. Wincing with pain Tom unlaced the fingers of his uninjured hand from the dark, tangled hair and drew back a fraction, his engorged lips still brushing the other man's mouth as he spoke in short, whispered gasps.

"Chakotay...do you know who I am? You were dreaming about the Kraden, I was trying to..."

The husky rasp of Chakotay's voice, sounding unused and rusty, interrupted Tom's frantic murmur.

"Tom, I know it's you, and I know we're not dreaming. I can taste you and feel you and you're warm and alive. You're the only thing I know is real anymore. Kiss me again, make me know you're real...."

There was real desperation in the commander's voice and Tom was more gentle with his invasion of that delicious mouth. He felt hands pulling him against the hard, tense body that had been trying to kill him moments ago and with a shock of electricity, realised that the commander was desperately aroused, the heat and hardness of him obvious and unhidden.

Tom felt himself being pressed backwards, his steps awkward and stumbling as Chakotay began to kiss him back, the erotic sweetness of the invading tongue driving reason from the pilot's mind. He felt the shuttle hull against his back and the searing heat of Chakotay's mouth against his neck, as teeth grazed the big vein that throbbed erratically there. His arm was burning as the circulation returned, but he was oblivious.

Tom used all his strength to pull the dark head that was devouring him up level with his, so that he could see Chakotay's face. There was barely restrained passion there, lust and tenderness in equal measure. Tom traced the glistening mouth with his finger, and arched his hips forward, so that there was no confusion about the desires on both sides. Chakotay nodded briefly and licked the sweat from Tom's jaw as he insinuated his hands inside the pilot's uniform.

"Share with me Tom. I want you so much. You understand me, you knew I needed you....and Spirits I do need you. Can you give me this much?"

Chakotay's words were at odds with his actions, the vulnerability of his plea alongside the fingers burning their way across his chest a heady combination.

Tom nodded with a smile that veered from triumphant to terrified in the space of a heartbeat and he slid his leg between the two that braced the commander's taut body against him. His thigh brushed swollen flesh hot even through a uniform and Tom rubbed his leg back and forth, feeling the heat and moisture soaking through the fabric. His own erection was painfully restricted, and he moaned with relief and pleasure as Chakotay snaked a hand between them and released him.

The moans turned to oaths and cries as warm hands encircled him, a thumb spreading the gathering fluid along the exquisitely sensitive ridge, fingernails teasing the underside and fingers twisting in the coarse hair that spilled from the narrow uniform opening.

"Oh fuck, I've been imagining you doing that for weeks.....for God's sake let me touch you... I want to feel how much you want me Cha, I need to feel it..."

Tom felt his hand being dragged across his own body, then pressed against something so hard, so hot, so alive that he almost snatched his hand away. He gasped softly and the breath was stolen from him by a ravenous mouth and he reached again for the incredible heat of Chakotay's cock, wanting to taste the pearly fluid that coated his fingers, wanting to feel the blood pulsing against his tongue, to smell the maleness of him, the musk.

The two men arched and bucked together, almost unable to break the intense kisses that locked them together, sucking lungfuls of air between caresses, pausing only to remove more clothing. Both were frantic, panting with the need for release.

Finally Tom took advantage of his height, and wrapped himself around Chakotay, carefully aligning their painfully engorged erections, hot wet flesh against hot wet flesh. Eyes locked, mouths locked, tongues thrusting in time, the two men scissored precisely against each other, the friction perfect and unbearable, the movement frantic but controlled.

They rode the orgasm together, silent and shuddering. Neither man broke eye contact until the tremors had ceased, then Chakotay lowered his head until it rested on Tom's shoulder.

Tom felt a moment of panic as he felt the wetness of tears against his skin. He suddenly realised that this was going to be his Rubicon, once crossed, never to return. He spared a last thought for the lonely, hate filled, terrified young man he had been so many years ago and then he opened his heart to a new emotion, one that would allow forgiveness. He let it flow through him, and as he slid to the floor with the man who needed him, who wanted him, who would love him back. He laughed softly.

He was still laughing as he heard the Captain's irritated bark.

"Lieutenant, Commander....what is taking you so long, that's the second pass you've made. Is there a problem? What's happened to visual? Gentlemen, report please."

"We're OK Captain.....slight problem with navigation, visual comm link seems to be down. We're coming in now."

Tom felt strong fingers gratefully caress his shoulder as he pulled himself into the pilot's chair and leaned imperceptibly back against the warm, trembling body that he sensed behind him.

"We're OK," the soft voice in his ear echoed. "We're OK."
*****

First Officer's Personal Log Stardate 48427.7

Last minute problems in Engineering meant that it was me who went with Tom on the test flight of the modified shuttle, Pursuit. B'Elanna had been so insistent that only Harry would do and the Captain had not hesitated a minute assigning me to take Harry's place.

I must confess. The idea of getting in that shuttle, flying a craft that size again made my heart race. A chance to get off Voyager, to step away from being first officer for awhile.... I guess the excitement showed on my face because Kathryn gave me one of those knowing, indulgent smiles as I left the bridge. Spirits! I couldn't get to the damn hangar deck fast enough.

Nothing happens without a reason. I so often forget that, surrounded as I am by this technology, beautiful and orderly in its own way as it keeps us all alive out here. It's easy to forget the simple things, the old things -- until something happens that pulls you up short.

He looked as if he would never belong anywhere else, seated at Pursuit's controls, checking and double checking all the readouts and he couldn't hide the fact that he was ridiculously pleased to see me as I took the copilot's seat. But he was all business as he expertly took us out. It's an amazing thing to actually say out loud, but being that close to Tom as he did what he does best was an experience I'm not certain how to describe.

Spirits.

A part of me knows it was more than a chance to do some fancy flying that made me race from the bridge.

Whenever I'm with him now, I begin to think that maybe, just maybe I can beat this thing. He dealt with the dream again. This time it came out of nowhere, a waking dream. Terrifying. Terrifying for so many reasons.... I could have seriously hurt Tom; could have killed him. Could have killed us both! And what if this dream should hit me out of the blue while I'm on duty or temporarily in command? The possibility paralyses me with fear. I have to tell myself it won't happen, that I can't *let* it happen and hope like hell I'm strong enough....

Hope like hell he'll catch me. Like he always seems to do these days. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd see this side of Tom -- despite the enormous changes in our relationship since being stranded here. Under that flippant exterior he's so used to showing, runs a quiet strength that I can only describe as something special and comforting - and mine.

I couldn't help it. The dream always leaves such tension and energy in my gut. When I came to my senses, holding him so close, I was kissing him almost before I realised what I was doing. I can't describe the relief that washed over me when he kissed me back. I needed so much more and I needed it right then. He didn't hesitate; didn't appear to think about it at all. As if it were perfectly reasonable for the first officer to lose it and beg the conn officer to fuck him, as if we were the only two human beings left in the Delta Quadrant, he made love to me and let me make love to him. I remember vividly the feel of him in my hand, hot and hard; the reality of the taste of him; how right it felt to hold him, how he looked when he came. I want him like I've never wanted anyone before and it scares the hell out of me. I don't know how much of this is real and how much of it is just fear that I will not make it through this hell to the other side. Whichever it is, the longing to have him in my bed, the desire to twine my body around his each and every night, to lose myself in the solace of his arms, is just as strong.
*****

Chakotay leaned into the sofa, shifted a little to make himself comfortable and fought the nearly overwhelming desire to delete his most recent personal log entry. He could not remember a time when he felt so exposed, so raw. He finally decided not to act in haste. If tomorrow he still felt this entry was inappropriate, he could delete it then. Right now, he wanted merely to sit and think about nothing.

It was too early for bed but the commander was not in the mood for company this evening. He thought about music and a little light supper and it was so incongruous with how he felt at that exact moment, his head swam. He swallowed once, twice and tried to get his hammering heart under control. It was imperative that the panic be kept at bay.

Docking Pursuit seemed to take an eternity this afternoon. Through it all, Chakotay turned over in his mind exactly what he would say in his report to Janeway. He hadn't dared to ask Tom what he planned to report. He had been, he realised with a start, too afraid of the answer he might have gotten.

As if Tom Paris would put Voyager at risk.

In the end, both officers made the only report they could, modifying Tom's solution to Chakotay's nightmare somewhat, which satisfied the captain but did not fool her for a minute. However, the result was still the same. He was off-duty for now and had been ordered to attend regular sessions with the Doctor. In the dimness of his quarters, Chakotay smiled a tight smile. About the only one certain to benefit from these sessions would undoubtedly be the Doctor as he enhanced various subroutines. Who tended the ship's unofficial counsellor when that counsellor needed help?

The exertions of the day were finally catching up with him. Chakotay felt his body beginning to relax and stealing upon him with the haze of sleep was the memory of Tom's long hands almost caressing Pursuit's console, the blue eyes dancing with that particular fire of excitement only flying could build there. He had found out that flying wasn't the only thing at which Tom Paris excelled and suddenly, the aching in his groin was nearly too much to bear. With a sigh, Chakotay leaned back and closed his eyes. He rested his hands on top of his thighs, drifted deeper into the memories of the events of just a few hours ago and felt the stirring of his cock. Arousal was slowly, deliciously building and he idly wondered where Tom was, what he was doing at this precise moment. Probably with Harry and B'Elanna, all of them enjoying some well earned relaxation time. The little prick of jealousy he felt surprised him - as if Tom should spend every waking moment with him. But why not? In a world suddenly gone crazy, Paris seemed the only rational constant.

A faint buzzing was barely audible, the sound reaching him as it came from a great distance. Chakotay's eyes flew open in time to see his door slide open and a familiar form filling the doorway.

"Shit, Cha. I didn't mean to wake you. When you didn't answer....."

"Come in, Tom. I didn't even realise I'd fallen asleep."

Tom entered the immaculate quarters and Chakotay hid his small smile as Paris smoothed the panic from his face.

"No date with Harry or B'Elanna tonight?"

"Naw. Whenever they spend any amount of time doing something in Engineering, it always spills over into off duty time. There's only so much shop talk I can take these days."

He gave the big man a long, searching look, then asked, "Have you eaten anything this evening?"

"Tom....."

Paris sighed. "I know, I know. I'll try to lighten up." A mischievous light suddenly lit the very blue eyes. "It's a tough job, Commander, but someone has to do it...."

Uh-oh, Chakotay thought. But he couldn't resist. "What's that?"

"Looking after you, of course. Now answer the question. Have you eaten?"

Paris was already moving towards the replicator in anticipation of Chakotay's reply. Watching him, Chakotay began to feel a little lost, a little desperate and he could only stand there staring stupidly. Tom smiled and turned to the device.

"Don't Tom. I've got rations of my own..."

"Save them. Mushroom soup. Brown bread. You look wiped out, if you don't mind my saying so. I think we should get something down you and then get you tucked up in bed."

With you wrapped around me, Chakotay nearly said aloud.

Oh Spirits! The blood rushed to his face and he wondered if Tom could see the blush despite his dark complexion. He fumbled for something to do and finally decided to sit at the small table. Tom was right behind him, soup and bread in his hands. He placed them before the silent man. Tom moved behind him to watch him eat and laid his hands possessively on the broad shoulders. He nearly jumped back with shock at the tension he felt there.

"Chakotay." It was barely a whisper, more like a breath.

All thought of food left Chakotay in a rush, even as he tried to hang on to the last shreds of calm. Tom's hands tightened on him, then suddenly, soft lips brushed the nape of the commander's neck. Chakotay gave a small cry and leaned against the table unable to sort out exactly what it was he was feeling.

Paris wasted no time. Chakotay found himself on his feet, in Tom's arms, Tom's mouth moving against his, kissing him deeply, thoroughly. When their tongues met, fire leapt in every part of his body and Chakotay crushed Tom to him, as if he would never get enough of him.

Tom, eyes closed, sighed and lazily nuzzled an ear. He murmured, "Come on, Commander. Let's get you into bed."

"Is that an order, Lieutenant?" Chakotay had enough presence of mind to inquire.

"If it has to be."

He allowed Tom to lead him to his bed. Tom undressed him quickly and efficiently and Chakotay fell back onto the mattress and watched as Tom quickly shed his own clothing. He went to the foot of Chakotay's bed, then climbed in, hands and knees on either side of the commander's prone form. Even before Tom covered Chakotay's body with his own, the big man's cock had sprung to life.

There was only the sensation of Tom's tongue in the hollow at the base of his throat; the feel of skin, like rough silk, beneath his hands; the feel of Tom's chest hair, so golden in the soft light of the bedroom, against Chakotay's own smooth, brown chest. Paris shifted, brought hard cocks, pearly fluid leaking from each tip, into alignment.  Slowly, he rubbed against Chakotay, bent and softly licked a nipple. Gentle lapping became sucking before Tom bit the tiny nub.

The desire to have Tom in his hand, to feel every inch of him was suddenly overwhelming and with a grunt, Chakotay rolled and pinned the leaner man beneath him. Everything in the universe narrowed down to this point; to the feel of Tom under him, writhing with abandon, murmuring his name. Chakotay kissed his mouth, his eyes, fastened onto his neck and sucked hard, needing to leave his mark there; rubbed his face in those golden chest hairs as he travelled further down. His tongue dipped into Tom's navel and Chakotay paused there, revelling in the smell and taste of him.

Tom began to thrust his hips in anticipation, seeking to rub his throbbing hardness against any part of Chakotay he could. When Chakotay felt a push on his shoulders, he smiled. He caressed the slender hips, the inside of Tom's thighs, then nuzzled and licked Tom's balls before trailing his tongue up the long thick cock. Paris whimpered and Chakotay licked him again, spreading moisture up Tom's shaft and around the blunt tip. When he finally took him in his mouth completely, Tom immediately began to move and Chakotay sucked harder, knowing Tom wouldn't last long. Humming became a low keening and he clenched his teeth and came. Chakotay did not release him until the last of Tom's spasms died and Paris lay still, except for his pounding heart, his breath that came in gasps.

Chakotay ran his hands down the strong legs, then up along Tom's sides, out to his arms. He held him there, bent to kiss him and lost himself in blue eyes gone dark with passion. They held only one request and the dark warrior could refuse this man, made of sunlight and silk, nothing.

Tom moved to take Chakotay into his mouth, licked the twitching brown cock, trailing saliva down the shaft. Chakotay groaned as he found himself perilously close to the edge. He moved away from the warm wet mouth around him and Tom, without a sound, fell back onto the pillows and drew his legs up to his chest. Chakotay did not hesitate but pressed his cock against Tom and though he felt that any delay would surely kill him, pushed slowly towards the centre of that much desired heat.

Paris grunted with the sudden pain, gasped with the sensation of being slowly filled and stretched his legs over the bigger man's shoulders. Soon they were lost in the ancient rhythm, the beat of lust and passion. Chakotay, eyes closed, thrust hard and fast as if by merely wishing it, he and Tom could become one.  There was an ache in his belly that spread through him like wildfire and he exploded, thrusting deep into the much loved body, compliant beneath him.

Carefully, Tom lowered his legs and drew Chakotay to him. Heart beat against heart, breathing returned to normal, hands caressed slightly damp skin and mouths lazily sought each other. Someone sighed and Chakotay did not know if it was himself or Tom who made the small sound. He could feel sleep returning, could feel Tom surrendering to slumber. He rolled off the younger man and settled comfortably against him.

"How do you always know, Tom?" he carefully asked, uncertain he would get a reply.

"What do you mean?"

"You know. Of all of us, you're handling this the best. You seem to know just what to do, just what *not* to do."

He felt then struggled to hang onto Tom's subtle emotional shift. Tom pressed his nose against his neck and Chakotay felt him release a long sigh. Just as he was about to put his arms around him, Tom rolled onto his back, placed his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling. One look at his face, a face the commander had finally grown used to seeing open and unguarded, told him the answer to his question was one he had never suspected. Chakotay reminded himself to breath.

"No one should have to go through what you're going through alone...."

Like an electric current coursing through him, understanding hit and Chakotay's heart began to slam against his ribs. He didn't think he could utter a single word.

"It seems so long ago now. It's behind me and I've dealt with it. Seeing you struggle with this stuff...."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

Another sigh and the sound wrenched Chakotay's soul.

"I've kept it to myself so long now. I haven't even thought about it until recently. I accepted long ago that what happened wasn't really my fault. But it was hell getting to that point." Tom paused. "People think that Federation prisons are pretty enlightened places and I suppose for the most part they are -- if your name isn't Paris, your family not a Starfleet dynasty. Shit. I was always fighting -- fought for every morsel of respect, every inch of ground. The administration stopped things getting too out of hand when they could but I knew I couldn't depend on the guards, couldn't go hiding behind the authorities. Besides, I could see that a lot of them were far from upset that the Admiral's brat was having that silver spoon shoved down his throat."

Tom laughed and Chakotay felt indignation rising.

"So things came to a head one day when I was out having a walk. I used to try to get out and away when I could -- clear my head, try to get myself in a place where I wasn't always on guard, wondering when the next fight was going to happen. This guy named Ryan stepped out of nowhere. To this day, I wonder that he could take me by surprise like that.... He was a big guy and the look on his face, in his eyes; pure, undisguised hatred and something else that scared the shit out of me. I knew I was in *big* trouble."

Tom swallowed. Chakotay could not move.

"I thought about running for a nanosecond and knew I couldn't do it. I fought with everything I had -- fought for my life. There was no thinking involved, Cha, just acting and reacting and I have no idea how I got hold of this piece of tree -- only that when I could think again, Ryan was on the ground and I was beating the shit out of him.

"I was in pretty bad shape. Ryan was rolling around and moaning and at that moment, I wished the bastard dead. I headed back, made it to the Infirmary and told them who attacked me. I was so angry. I think I went out looking for the next fight. I don't know. Something just snapped then and I think everyone in the place recognised it. I was given a wide berth.

"Ryan was at dinner that evening, looking a little rough but well enough to give me a look that only meant more trouble. I remember smirking at him."

Tom's hand sought Chakotay's and squeezed hard when they made contact.

"At breakfast the next day, I noticed a few people giving me looks -- different from the usual looks but I just ignored them. Someone came up to me -- this guy who, when he was in the right mood, was actually civil to me -- and he told me Ryan had died in the night. I found out later it was a brain haemorrhage.

"Hell, Cha. He'd been to the Infirmary. They checked him out. They'd released him after seeing to the worse from that beating I gave him...."

Tom's eyes were unfocussed as he stared back into the past and Chakotay found himself wondering about the terrified, angry, bewildered young man Tom must have been -- the consequences of his rage, the violence that had exploded out of him, must have been almost too devastating for one person to bear.

"Finally I could walk alone at night without looking over my shoulder. Let me tell you .... the price was too high. I had dreams too, Cha. I'd wake up sweating, *feeling* all that rage, still seeing the look of terror on Ryan's face, still hearing the sounds that branch made as I beat him....."

Tom must have made a sound, because Chakotay flinched, and reached out a hand to caress the expressionless face that stared inwards.

"They notified my father and amazingly, he came. His first and only visit to Auckland. Shit! I really thought he'd understand; really thought he'd know that I needed him to say what had happened was self defence. I just needed to hear the words.

"He didn't even mention it. He just came and talked at me about family stuff. Then, he left. Never came again and never mentioned that visit again. Later I found out he'd fixed the inquest into Ryan's death, kept the sacred Paris name off the record."

Tom's eyes closed in a moment of remembered pain.

"No one ever talked to me about Ryan. It was like it never happened. People looked at me out of the corner of their eyes, and they looked scared. But no-one helped me. I learned to live with the guilt eventually. It was a lonely journey."

"I wish I could have been there for you." Chakotay pulled him into his arms, held him close.

But the words were meaningless, meant to try to soothe an ache from a scar that was long healed, however badly. Those sapphire eyes fastened onto Chakotay as Tom sank into the embrace.

"Just let me be here for you."

Chakotay rubbed his cheek against the blond waves and made a small sound of affirmation. His spirit soared even as a calm he thought was gone forever descended upon him. Softly he kissed the quiet man in his arms then called to extinguish the lights.
*****

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