The ELLIE Stories

The insistent beeping of her watch brought Ellie to reluctant
consciousness.  She tightened her embrace of Kate,  greedy for every
second of the security and peace.  Wrapped in the comfort of those
porcelain arms, there was safety from the uncertainty that time and
distance inevitably stamped on every relationship and Ellie had felt a
tinge of panic at the effort required to crawl from Kate's  bed.  As
Kate prepared to offer her a parting cup of tea, Ellie pack her last
few things and prepared to greet the early Manhattan morning. 

The City was always a different place this early.  Wide, quiet avenues,
snaking away between impossibly high buildings, were empty, waiting to
be filled with promising possibilities.  It was a strange sight to find
soothing as Ellie flagged a yellow cab, noting, even as she struggled
to put her small case in the back seat beside her, how the rising sun
lit only the rooftops of the tall buildings here on the Upper West
Side.

Penn Station, as always, was not-so-organized chaos, the comings and
goings of all sorts leaving her just a little bewildered.  Ellie
grinned.  It was nearly impossible to believe that she had once been a
'New Yorker.'  There was a time when this pace would not have caused
her to blink an eye.  Now, the bustle of the place, the uncontrollable
flow of energy, was electrifying and exhausting. 

Ellie was soon settled on the train heading north, her final
destination, Providence, Rhode Island.  

Alone now, anxious about this journey, there was too much time to
think.  Ellie felt a brief pang of guilt that she had not managed to
see old girlfriends who used to be an important part of her life.  She
could not explain to herself how so much had changed in so little time.
 Excuses were so easy -- they all had children now: they all lived so
far apart now.  Life just seemed to be passing more quickly than any of
them realized:  the daily trials and tribulations of them all seemed
somehow insignificant in the telling now.  From her New York days, only
Kate was constant and the thought sent a thrill of fear rocketing
through her body.  What did it mean what she and Kate had shared last
night?  Ellie wanted to push the thought from her mind but there was a
throbbing in her heart that was difficult to ignore.  

She sighed and reflected that the amount of time she had been separated
from New York girlfriends was so brief compared to the twenty odd years
separating her experiences from those of Anna.  What was it truly going
to be like to see her again -- in that setting which was bound to be so
familiar and so alien all at the same time?  Ellie couldn't help
wondering, and these musing  eventually  drifted past Anna to settle
upon who was likely to be at this Twentieth Reunion weekend that she
really wanted to see and who was likely to be there that she really did
not want to see.  The thought of him, springing upon her so suddenly,
nearly caused Ellie to laugh out loud.  Jack Shaw, the love of her
university days,  was he part of the category of people she wanted to
see or did he belong with those she did not want to see?  Like
everything about him, about their peculiar relationship, there was no
obvious answer.

The earliness of the hour showed her sleepy seaside towns, each town
becoming more awake as the train moved through the morning, closer
every second to her destination.  New York lay further and further
behind her, its stark reality fading until Ellie began to wonder if
perhaps the all too brief time spent in Kate's company had not been a
dream.  New England closed in around her.  Its  rural beauty awakened
memories from so long ago.  These memories fitfully took on shape,
became more solid and immediate until finally, the dome of the Rhode
Island State Capitol Building came into view, glimmering in the late
morning sunshine, standing near the foot of the very steep hill that
led up to the grounds of Brown University.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Class of 1977 Picnic lay behind them.  A bottle of champagne waited
to be served and Ellie knew it was now time for just the two of them. 
She and Anna sat in the mid-spring sun on a low wall enclosing the
entrance to some dormitory whose name both had long forgotten.

Alot of the details had all but faded with time but it had been 
nostalgic standing in Pembroke Field, the site of the picnic,
remembering her days as a member of the women's field hockey team. 
Ellie had  remembered also the annual Spring Weekend keg parties held
at Pembroke Field House in weather not so terribly different to what it
was this day.   Standing there, it had seemed that everything conspired
to awaken vague memories, more accurate to call them impressions
really, which rolled over her like the slate gray Providence sky 
rolled over the low University buildings and the Victorian style houses
built of wood.  Here on the East Side, at that moment, it had been easy
to forget that Providence was a city and not some sleepy little town. 
Only part of her had taken note of the steady stream of arrivals. 
Another part  had marveled at how little some things had really
changed.  Such typical weather for late Spring, influenced, as always,
by Providence Bay.  That bay was responsible for the usual Providence
winter weather too:  while the rest of New England had laid blanketed
in snow, there had always been only cold, driving rain in Providence.

Perhaps, it had occurred to her, this was why the weather in England
was so comforting, so familiar.  The sudden thought of England, of
home, had been too disconcerting and abruptly, Ellie had pushed these
stray thoughts from her mind and had turned her attention instead to
the arrival of classmates.  As more and more familiar faces had
appeared, Ellie had begun  to feel that her memories were not memories
at all but glimpses into the past life of someone else.

When finally the one person Ellie really wanted to see, the one person
besides Anna, had arrived, it had not been difficult to remember why
Mia Garabaldi had captured Ellie's affections so easily.  The dark eyes
of a Byzantine Madonna, jet black hair to match and that smile that Mia
had, never failed to leave her just a little breathless.  Mia had many
friends to greet as she headed towards them and Ellie had found herself
wondering if this wasn't what she found so attractive about Mia; her
many circles of friends, each circle so different from the other.  Her
uncanny ability to blend, to approach with a genuine openness, any
social class or race was what had secured her place in Ellie's heart. 
This afternoon, however, Mia's easy smile had not quite reached her
eyes and Ellie had known that her friend was in a curious state of
mind.  She'd sympathized:  after twenty years, they all stood in
unfamiliar territory.

It had begun to feel so right, Mia on one side, Anna on the other. 
Mutual friends wandered by to chat and Ellie had found herself standing
silently more often than not, secretly amused by how easy it had been
to slip into her old roll listening to Anna talk shop with others who
were involved in academia.  Ellie had watched Mia, looking for what she
would not have been able to say.  If Mia had found this or Ellie's many
compliments disconcerting, she had hidden it well.  The smiles she gave
as answers had revealed nothing.

 The hours had slipped away:  the class photograph had been taken,
lunch had been consumed and everyone had been brought up to date with
how the public aspects of their lives were proceeding satisfactorily. 


Now Ellie fiddled with the champagne cork and thought how appropriate
and convenient that when the proprietors of the one and only liquor
store in the immediate area sold a bottle of champagne, they
distributed plastic glasses as well.

'Mia looked great,'  Ellie remarked and immediately wondered that, now
that they were finally alone, she had nothing better to say to Anna. 


After a moment's pause, Anna asked, 'Is she going to join us here for
some champagne?'

'Well, she said she would, but you know Mia....  I suppose if we are
here long enough, she'll finally turn up.'

Anna laughed, 'That's Mia for you.  Time never did function for her
like it does for the rest of the world.'

Ellie only grinned and wondered at the little stab of pain Anna's words
caused.  Always a hint of rivalry between those two, she realized with
a start.  It was something she should have realized years ago, that 
Anna and Mia were like night and day and herself a sort of twilight
between them.

'Yes well, it'll be good to get her alone.  I couldn't talk to her
there.'

'I could see you getting a bit frustrated by her ignoring you,'  Anna
laughed.

'Not really,'  Ellie hastily protested but wondered if she had been
that obvious.

Anna just giggled and shook her head.  'I almost told you to stop
drooling.'

She bit down on  further protest and Anna grew suddenly pensive and
mused,  'She always did know more of our classmates than we did. 
That's why it's so ridiculous for her to balk every five years about
coming to the reunion!  It's as predictable as.... the sun rising..... 
"Mia, are you coming to the reunion?"   "Oh, I don't know!"' 

They shared a chuckle and  Anna accepted champagne from Ellie.

'Yes.  Mia does make me crazy with that.  But you know, I think even
though she knows absolutely everyone, there're very few people here she
*really* cares about,'  Ellie said.

'Hmm.  I often wonder just what Mia does care about.  She is so easy
going, so unflappable.  I think you got to know her, Ellie, because you
were looking for a relationship that wasn't as intense as ours.'

The champagne was distinctly mediocre, Ellie reflected and gazed out
over the patch of green that lay amongst these dormitory buildings the
colour of sun-bleached sand.  Young trees, flowering trees, were in
bloom, approaching their peak.  This campus had always been a beautiful
place in the springtime.

'I asked Mia to sleep with me.'

'Mia?!'  Anna exclaimed.  'My goodness, Ellie, I'm sure she's straight
as anything!'

'Yes.  Well.  That didn't stop me.'

'When did all this happen?'

'Senior year.'

The late afternoon sun seemed to play a game of tag with earthbound
things as giant clouds raced across the sky.  It would probably rain
soon.  As Anna leaned back on her hands, as if to catch as much of the
intermittent sun as she could, Ellie covertly watched her friend. The
long fine brown hair Ellie remembered was now bobbed just below the
chin and flecked with gray.  Girlish curves were now replaced by a
woman's body.  Ellie idly wondered, had she been as much a surprise to
Anna as Anna was to her?  Did Anna look at her now and wonder just what
all the intensity, all the passion was about?  The minutes and the
silence stretched out before them, the low-level activity of impossibly
young adults, their awestruck parents in tow, hummed around them. 
Ellie felt her reality waver as she began to think about a time so long
ago.

'I suppose, then, you forgave her for sleeping with Jack Shaw.'

'Some things are more important than boys, Anna.'

Yet even as she was quick to reply, Ellie had to acknowledge that
Anna's words revived an old, familiar ache.  Jack Shaw was yet another
loose end fluttering in the long passed days of her youth.  There he
had been at Campus Dance last night and Ellie's heart skipped a beat
remembering the look they had exchanged.  He was notorious for making
his own rules for this reunion game, appearing some years and not at
all others.  Ellie had not wanted to dwell on the possibility that she
would see him this year.  Twenty-some  odd years and thoughts of him
still confused her, left her feeling as if it were impossible to think
straight.  Those passing years had left Ellie with something else as
well.   If it wasn't understanding, it was at least acceptance that
this loose end could never be tied or cut.

Anna was sipping her champagne.  Finally she turned hazel eyes upon her
friend.  There was a strange light behind them, a burning intensity
Ellie had not yet seen this weekend.  Her heart was suddenly pounding
in her chest; in her belly, a flutter of fear at Anna's next words.

'You hated every boy I ever dated.'

'No.  Not hated.  I just wished they weren't part of the deal in having
you.'

'I do like men, you know.  Probably more than I like women....'

'So you've told me.  But this isn't  about preferring men to women. 
It's about you and me and why we never realized .....  Too young, I
suppose.' 

Ellie was silent for a second then continued, 'You know, I never really
realized how much of a couple to our friends we were until our fifth
reunion.  Someone said to me, "Hi Ellie.  I just saw Anna in Toad
Hall."  It was as if a light went on in my head....'

Anna sighed and sipped more champagne.  There was a heaviness about her
now.   Ellie could see it growing as the conversation progressed.  Her
instinct suddenly was to pull back, to slam this door that they had
allowed to open a crack, firmly closed.  After the passing of so many
years, did it matter so terribly much that the two of them understand
what had happened those short four years so long ago?  Those  four
years seemed a lifetime then.  Those four years seemed the only thing
in the world.  To contemplate life without the other, to think that
they would go from Providence and grow apart from one another had been
unbearable.   But it had been done.

' We both know you could have had me, Anna.  I would have done anything
for you.'

'It's not so simple.....'

'But you made it complicated!  I think I could have bore anything! 
Anything at all except being shut out.  Senior year it was as if you'd
already left me here!  In September our relationship felt like it was
June and you were already on the road heading south.....'

-And I felt alone and betrayed,-  Ellie thought with twinge of panic at
how immediate the fury was,
-only Mia to distract me, to amuse me, to make me remember myself
again.-

'Ellie,'  Anna's voice was surprisingly calm, surprisingly level, 'it
was the only way I thought I could leave Providence and leave
you....'

Ellie closed her eyes, the memory of the painful parting flashing to
life within her:  how they had desperately clung to one another, tears
flowing between them, as if to stave off the inevitable.  She fought
off the tears now, drawing a ragged breath.  Anna beside her was
silent, face turned from her friend.  Did those words pierce her heart
too?  It was too easy, hearing them, for Ellie to remember how close
she had come to begging Anna not to leave.  Stay in Providence: stay
with me....

'You didn't have to go.'

'Yes, I did.'

 'Can you tell me why?'

'Gods, Ellie!  Just look at your life.  Living abroad, kids, a good
husband.....  I knew you'd eventually find the right guy.  The boys
here were just too stupid to see -- and the ones who  *did* see, you
never gave them a chance.  But in retrospect, maybe that was okay
because it meant that you found Owen and probably a better life than
you'd have had otherwise.'

Anna's voice trailed off and Ellie stared at her, hearing the words but
wondering just what they meant.  Though Ellie could not make her brain
process Anna's words, she nodded  distractedly.

'You just didn't know then how to trust your luck.'  Anna began again. 
'You know, you keep asking me about Jack Shaw....  well, my theory is
he saw it too.  He could see the person you'd become.  You just needed
a little time to get there.  Owen met you at just the right time.'

Ellie did not want to think about Owen right now nor the enigma her
relationship with Jack Shaw had always been.  Rejection and denial rose
up strong within her, a physical force that made her want to lash out
and break and smash things.  It was a consuming fury, threatening to
explode the very heart within her chest as she recognized some truth in
Anna's words; a partial truth, the truth for Anna.  For Ellie, it did
nothing to assuage the years of longing.  Even now it was so easy to
remember the intimacy, tiny gestures shared by those less than lovers
but so much more than friends.  The rage began to dissipate leaving an
emotional void as Ellie returned Anna's unflinching gaze, and began to
wonder if a door were closing in her life.

'I knew you'd find the right guy,'  Anna finished.

A quiet settled between them, sealing each in her own thoughts.  When
Ellie finally spoke, it was softly as if any sound too loud could
shatter them both.

'This isn't about me finding the right guy.'

'No.'

'You couldn't choose a life with me....'

'I don't think you even realized it *was* a possible choice until years
later -- until you slept with Kate.'

'No.  I always knew.  I just thought you wouldn't want it, for whatever
reason, your boyfriends, our friendship.  I even thought maybe you just
didn't want to explain us to your parents.'

 Ellie was surprised to find that she was holding her breath, wondering
if Anna could or would reply.

'Oh Ellie!  All of it is true but it isn't the whole story!  Everything
isn't so black and white all the time.   I suppose my parents play some
part in it.  You know they really expected me to move back into their
house after college....'

Ellie tried to imagine moving back to her parents' home and failed
miserably.  She looked at Anna who seemed deep in thought, trying to
choose her next words carefully.

'I think because we're bisexual,'  Anna looked uncomfortable, Ellie
realized and realized also, her heart falling to her toes, where this
conversation was heading, 'it was easy to choose not to take that final
step.  Ellie, sometimes I feel that life is so hard, so difficult --
why make it even more so if we don't have to?'

Again Ellie gave a distracted  nod, the rejection piercing her heart
even as the fragment of truth Anna's words contained tried to penetrate
her denial.

'You know,' Ellie finally began, 'I used to be fascinated by the
personal columns in 'The Real Paper' and 'The Village Voice.'  I always
wondered what people looked for in the perfect mate and I always
wondered how people could demand that the person replying to their ad
be a certain age, a certain height  --  sometimes even a certain hair
colour or a certain race.....  But what I always found most interesting
in some of the lesbian personals was the stipulation that bisexuals
need not reply.'

'I do love you,' was all Anna said.

'But just not enough.....'

'Maybe too much.  You *did* meet the right guy, Ellie.  You even
married him!'  Anna laughed.

'I married a guy who loves me....'

'And you love him.'

'Well, yes.....' Ellie  barely whispered.

Anna's chuckle was deep in her chest.  'Just remember, Ellie.  Nothing
is ever completely black or  white.'

Unspoken words hung between them:  the door was closing now, but
gently.  A soft brown hand reached out for Anna's white one.  Not as
pale as Kate, Ellie mused as a familiar peace descended upon her and
the emotional current pulsed still between them   Was it as intense as
that first night, freshman year, when Anna plopped herself down onto
Ellie's bed, sitting so close that when their bare arms touched, the
warmth rocketed through Ellie's body straight to her heart to burst
into flame?  It was not a question of the intensity of this bond, but
of its survival -- through the years and the different experiences that
would drive them apart. However changed, the bond existed still.

As the first cool, fat drops of rain began to fall, Mia Garibaldi
rounded the corner and gave a carefree wave with a flash of her winning
smile.  Only then did Ellie realize there was no champagne left.
 

Like what you've read? Have suggestions or constructive criticism? Email me! tlyr (at) tlyr.co.uk