I was away longer than I expected to be.  At least two days had passed before I returned to my bunker.  While with the boss, I couldn't let myself be distracted with thoughts of Tonio.  All my attention, every bit of me, was needed for the fight.  When calling down our magic or looking a man in the eye to tell him plainly his life was over, I needed every bit of my courage and strength.

 Auriel eventually softened and spoke to me about returning to New York.  Adamnae and Remir were scheduled to arrive and the boss decided he could do without me for awhile.  I wondered briefly about waiting for Remir, to see him and get a report on Tonio's condition, then decided I could assess Tonio's health for myself.  Remir knew where to find me once his business with Adamnae was finished.  When Auriel finally gave the okay, I lost no time returning to the Upper West Side.

He wasn't there.

Panicked for a second, I stood in my livingroom, hardly recognising the neatness and the order.  I went into my bedroom and noticed the bed was neatly made.  God only knew the last time it was slept in.  I reached out.  I could faintly feel him and I got the distinct impression that he wasn't certain he wanted to be found.  I saw red.  Not able to think straight at the moment, I threw myself onto my sofa, stretched out, threw my arm over my face and squeezed my eyes tightly shut.    What had happened in 48 hours?  What happened to the man who seemed so certain he was going to fuck me senseless?  In a minute, I'd have some control.  Then I'd find him.

He couldn't possibly block me.  He wasn't that strong yet.  He wasn't at his apartment and he wasn't at any of his usual hangouts.  I jumped in the car and drove downtown - probably more slowly than I ever have in my life.  I needed to think about this situation and just how I was going to handle it.  The scene in my kitchen when Auriel surprised us seemed stuck in my head and the memory of  just how pissed Tonio had been with Auriel lodged itself in my belly.

Following the little I could feel, I found myself downtown on the west side of town.  Long ago, this was the 'gay ghetto.'  The tidy grid pattern of Manhattan is lost down here, like a lot of downtown below Fourteenth Street.  I passed along the winding tree-lined streets, hot on his scent,  ignored those around me.  There was a different atmosphere here, as if everyone were determined to keep the fear and suspicion at bay.  I passed some mixed couples - Others paired with men or women.  Interesting that Tonio had chosen to hide here.  My instincts took me down a half concealed walk, through a half overgrown courtyard.  If I didn't know better, I would have thought I'd stepped into an earlier century when I stepped into that yard.  At the other end, in semi-darkness hung the sign bearing the name of the bar.  Tonio's sig was strong.  This was the place.  I pushed open the old but sturdy wooden door and stepped inside.

The smell of old wood and real English beer hit me.  The place was half full.  Others, a few men, more women mingled easily and I thought maybe I'd landed on another planet.  He was sitting at the far end of the bar, huddled over his beer and ignoring the activity around him.  I smiled in spite of everything.  Just seeing him melted my anger; sucked it away like water seeping into sand.  I let him know I was there.

Relief, a little panic, a jolt of arousal when he got an eyeful of me.  I must have been a sight - hair wild, eyeliner and mascara carelessly applied.  Couldn't say what shade of lipstick I'd chosen, only that it was subdued and matt.  As if any of this mattered but seeing him made me realised how consciously I'd chosen to play the wounded girlfriend.  I damped down all my emotions and went to stand beside him.

"Hi, Greythorn."

"Hello, Tonio."  I was shocked as hell to suddenly realise I didn't have any  idea what to say to the man.  I shoved my hands in my pockets and leapt over the cliff. 

 "I was surprised to find you gone when I got back," I said.

He felt bad enough about that to blush.  I sent a feeler out, trying to catch exactly what he was feeling.

*Don't.*

Why not, babe?  What don't you want me to know?  I wanted desperately to touch him but sensed I didn't dare.

"Sit down, Grey.  Have a beer and give me a cigarette.  Can you tell me what you've been doing while you were away?"

"You don't really want to know," I said more firmly than I meant to.

I sat and Tonio ordered my beer as I offered him a cigarette.  His attempt to change the subject rubbed me the wrong way but I decided to see where it would lead us.

 "War business, I suppose,"  he said, blowing smoke at the ceiling.  "Ever get tired of it?"

Hmmm.  Wonder if Auriel has to put up with this crap from Ish.

He laughed and the tension between us began to ease.  I looked into those black eyes, seeing so many things; his fear.  He didn't want me to know he was afraid; the boy who walked the toughest, darkest streets in this town is afraid of.... What?  Me?

But you want it too, don't you?

He sighed.  *Sometimes... part of it ....  Don't push me, Grey.*

I backed off.  I hadn't lost him.  Not yet.  I drank my beer and wondered if I'd be leaving this place alone.  I grasped my pint glass and began making wet designs on the bar top.  Tonio's hand was suddenly over mine and everything in me jumped.  Slowly, giving him time to pull back if he wanted, I leaned towards him.  Those bottomless eyes closed and his lips parted slightly.  Our previous kisses were nothing compared to this one.  I slipped my tongue into his mouth and caressed his tongue.  He was intoxicating and rational thought was fast disappearing.  I slipped off the barstool, pulled him up to me and grunted in delighted surprise when he gripped me fiercely and intensified the kiss.  If this continued, we'd be fucking like rabbits on the floor and it took everything I had to move my mouth from his.

"Wanna finish our beers?" I asked, a rumble from somewhere deep inside me.  I gave him a teasing look.

"Like hell," he managed.  "I wanna take you home, Greythorn.  My place."

I didn't argue.

We drove across town to the Lower Eastside.  Tonio's apartment was all the way over on Avenue C.  I gave a fleeting thought to my car as I parked and locked it:  wondered if I were seeing it for the last time.  Then, looking at Tonio, I decided that cars were a dime a dozen, especially for me.

I followed him to a solid looking building, its entrance guarded by a very impressive steel door.  There was a slight smell of magic about the place - just enough to put off certain types.  I don't know what I was expecting but this wasn't it.  Tonio smiled at my surprise.

"After getting the shit kicked out of me, I thought it wise to move," he grinned.   "Remir turned me on to this place."

"I must remember to thank him," I said, eyeing his butt as he struggled with the door.

 We were finally inside.  We climbed stairs, nearly to the top of the building.

"I think it'll be okay here.  Everyone living here helps care for the building and we all have some connection to ... the Others...."

A place for concubines and lovers?  It would explain the touch of magic.  I shouldn't  have been surprised yet I was.

His place was total chaos, boxes and bags everywhere.  For this part of town, it was a sizeable space and it faced south.  I was already trying out decor in my head when he took my hand and led me to his bedroom.  The bed, by some flash of foresight, was spotlessly made.  I stared at it as I slowly toed off my boots.  Jacket was tossed carelessly to the floor.  Tonio was suddenly aware of what I was doing and began to match my movements.  When he stood next to me, clad only in his shorts, I turned to him and placed my hands on his chest.  I rubbed my palms lightly over his nipples, fastened onto his mouth as he gasped in pleasure.  I explored his mouth lazily and he returned the favour; wet, open mouthed kisses, not pausing for breath, sharing breath.

I manoeuvred him so that his bed was behind his knees and was about to give him the push that would put him under me when there was a burst of panic.  The kissing stopped as he pushed back at me, attempting to turn me towards the bed.  A light went on in my head then and I suddenly understood everything that had happened since the night Remir and I rescued him.  I found his mouth again and allowed him to push me onto the bed.  He hesitated then, not completely over his panic.  A part of him wondered what now - now that he had me where he thought he wanted me.  Laughing softly, I nuzzled at him.  I put my hand on his cock:  it had softened a little but soon responded to the familiar sensation.  I sighed when I felt it hardening again, teased him through fabric.  He was pushing my shorts down as he tongued my ear slowly.  His lust growing, that soft wetness caressed every nook and fold.  Tonio finally got me naked, then began to stroke me.  His hands roamed over every inch of me, along my torso, lightly over too sensitive nipples and out along my arms.  I felt his surprise at the smoothness of my skin.  No wounds, old or otherwise.  I laughed again, without humour.  Hey babe.  They don't get close enough to even threaten damage.

I pushed his shorts down, more than ready to feel him against me.  He rubbed himself on my belly as he nibbled my neck and dipped that talented tongue in the hollow of my throat.  His hands still explored and I felt them wander to my groin.  I put my hand over his and guided him, helping him to learn my body and what I liked.  Not too different from yours, is it?  And what is different I think you'll like, babe.

It was his turn to laugh, as he gave me a squeeze.  I thrust into his hand, sending him encouragement, letting him feel my pleasure, encouraging him to open to me.  I felt the edge approaching fast and stilled his hand, guiding it just behind my stiff and throbbing cock.  He'd heard the word on the street and I felt his intense curiosity before his fingers found familiar warm wetness.  They slipped effortlessly inside and he could not help the moan that escaped him.  When he brought his fingers to his mouth I watched, my heart pounding, as he sucked my juices off them.  I flipped him onto his back then and took his cock into my mouth before he knew what was happening.

It was easy to know what he liked and incredible to give it to him, bring him slowly to the point of no return.  His pleasure was my own; thought, sensation, emotion all one.  No ending or beginning for each of us, just one shared state of being.  I released him when he tangled his hands in my hair and began to thrust.  Not yet, my love.  I climbed over him and lowered myself onto his saliva slick cock, hard and ready, the female part of me wet and ready.  He groaned as we made that physical connection and I stretched myself over him, my hair covering us both, and met his desperate thrusts.  My cock grew smaller until it was a too large, swollen clitoris, already sending jolts of pleasure through me.  Tonio's hands found my ass, clasped me to him as if we could fuse into one and we came with a force like a nuclear explosion. 

I rocked on him still, keeping my clitoris in contact with his pelvis and riding the little tremors that ran through me as he sprawled, semi-coherent, beneath me.  The smell of our sex filled his bedroom and made me greedy for more of him.  I licked one of  his nipples and was rewarded with a soft grunt.  Like that, babe?  I took it between my teeth and teased it; stroked it with the tip of my tongue, then wet it thoroughly.

*Rest a moment, Grey.*

The thought was barely coherent and though I could feel a bit of a stirring inside me, I abandoned my assault.  Right now, we had plenty of time.  A bit of sleep then we'd go again.
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It was the change.  He slept fitfully beside me, mumbled a little and I wondered what dreams or nightmares held him.  I stroked him.  Would he change drastically?  Would he still be the boy I'd been crazy about?  I squashed my sudden fear and pressed myself against him.  I licked his neck gently, telling myself all the while that he needed this sleep.  He shifted and wrapped himself around me and I sighed into the embrace.

My hands explored him gently as he slept, his chest with nipples like dark chocolate, the fuzz that began around his navel, jet black and downy, before getting coarser around his cock and balls.  I fondled them gently and remembered  what the change was like for me - the instant when I thought I'd lost my balls.  Fear does not begin to cover it; more like hysterical terror.  I can still feel the punch Auriel threw to calm me down.  Nothing's lost, he explained, only rearranged.  Once you've been in a few battles with the humans, he told me, you'll be glad your balls are inside.  Auriel is right about a lot of things.  Then, there's what we gain too.  I couldn't wait to see Tonio's face the first time my cock satisfied the throbbing between his legs.

I kissed his eyelids and hoped he visited our City as he slept.

 Wouldn't be able to sleep now, I knew.  I climbed carefully out of bed, threw on my jeans and wound up my hair.  I began poking around Tonio's boxes.  My guess was he hadn't been in this place long.  Judging from how he left my bunker, his tolerance for disorder was low.  I chuckled:  what a pair we'd make.

I wandered into the kitchen, remembering what a good cook he was and thinking this would be a good place to have organised sooner rather than later.  Good therapy, scrubbing floors and cabinets.  My thoughts were all over the place but really came down to one thing, this complicated and delicious change in my life.  My obligations to Auriel;  I couldn't explain them to myself in any way that made a whole lot of sense.  How the hell could I explain them to Tonio?  -- that whatever it was between Rie and me, it was deeper than friendship or loyalty; something past even love.  There was Remir too.  I hoped he wouldn't need explaining.  As Tonio shared my thoughts, experienced being as close to me as it's possible to be - the two of us approaching a single state of being - I couldn't see how Tonio couldn't know how much Remir meant to me.   He'd see the truth; that I needed both of them so very much.

I had just about finished washing out all the cabinets when I felt a little mental tug.  I grinned but didn't respond right away.  I felt the pull again, definitely stronger and more urgent.  Standing, I stretched then let him know I was coming.

At the bedroom door, eyes like night caught me.  I shook down my hair and smiled when I saw Tonio squirm.  Slowly I wiggled out of my jeans, let him see that I was female for him.  He had not changed completely and I knew what was needed.  It wasn't on the cards just yet though:  I knew what that fear I'd read some hours ago meant.  The final act could be a long time coming.  It didn't matter.  I could wait forever and each time I made love to him brought him closer and closer to what I was.

I climbed into his bed and he was on me in a flash.  As he held my wrists above my head, I closed my eyes and surrendered to our need.
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"You gonna tell me about Remir?" he asked.

Two days had passed since he brought me to his place.  Two days of doing not much more than eating, sleeping and fucking.  It was too easy to forget the rest of the world.

"What do you wanna know about Remir?"

 "How you met," he hedged.  "How long you've known each other.  That sort of stuff."

"Maybe I should let him tell you the story."  After a pause, I continued, "We're like brothers in a way." 

Tonio snorted and began kissing my jaw.  "If you two are like brothers, you're brothers with one unusual relationship!"

"Yeah.  Well, you try being with Auriel and Adamnae for so many years and see what happens to you!"

He stilled for a minute then his hold on me tightened.  It took a hell of a lot not to reach out and touch what made him hesitate.  I could guess.  The mention of Auriel; I wondered if it was jealousy.

"You don't have to worry about Auriel," I told him.  "That part of our relationship is long over and done with.  He's....  another brother to me now.  Like an older, wiser brother, Tonio.  I'm not gonna tell you that he doesn't mean anything to me.  You'd know I was lying.  But we don't share this anymore."

I reached down and fondled him, kissed him, taking my time and letting him know I meant it all and more.  He pulled away before we could get too hot.  There was more on his mind and I waited for him to speak.  That same fear, I recognised it instantly now.  I wasn't about to help him out, figuring if he could say out loud what it was that had him scared nearly shitless, we would take our first step towards conquering his fear.

"I kinda guessed that," he mumbled.  "And I don't think I'm really jealous of Remir."

 Hmmm, I teased.  Maybe I'd like it better if you were just a tiny bit jealous.

He chuckled.  *The two of you take such good care of me.*  There was amusement with the thought.  *I think I'll keep both of you.*

Just a damn minute! was on  the tip of my tongue.  What has Remir been up to?

"As if he would!" Tonio laughed.  "Nothing, man - you know he wouldn't.  But I don't intend to sit by the sidelines while you and he...."

Jesus.  Bet Ish doesn't give Auriel all this shit.

*Don't you know by now?  I'm not Ish.*

 That's for damn sure.  I reached for his cock but he caught by hand.  What is it, babe?

*The Change, Grey.  Tell me how I will become like you.*

"What's the word on the street?"

He snorted.  "They talk a lot of shit out there.  I want you to tell me the truth."  He paused.  "I'm different already... more in tune with you.  And I can sense Remir.  I bet if I tried hard enough, I could even call Ish."

The smile he gave me was one of pure mischief and I squashed the urge to laugh and fall into his joke.

"Let me tell you one thing, Tonio and I'm never saying this again.  Don't fuck with Auriel.  Don't even joke about him or anything that's his.  You've got no idea how easily he could make us both dust."

 "Sorry, Grey."  He wasn't joking anymore.

I heard his unspoken thought, that Ish would never let that happen.  Very firmly, I replied, *Don't* count on it.  He paled.  Got the message.

I drew him close to me.

*They don't know how it happens.*

This thought after a few minutes of conciliatory silence.  I wasn't surprised.  Could just imagine the stories men told one another, designed to push macho buttons, make their hatred of us grow.  No, I wasn't surprised at all.

It happens when I make love with you, babe.  The magic happens then.

 *Done that, haven't we?  So why am I still... a man?*

You know.  It's why you're afraid, Tonio.  We don't have to rush.  We can do it when you're ready.

I could sense his relief then, a mood so different to the cautious probing that started all his questions.  I let him touch and stroke me, set the pace, take control.  His walls were coming down:  the fear retreated.  Some perverse part of me was not willing to let him have it so easy after all that had been said.  I wanted to be male, knowing he preferred me to be female.  Maybe the final act was not in the picture for now but my desire for Tonio to experience *all* of me was strong.  I was male as well as female.

"Haven't the two of you fucked enough already?"

 I bolted upright in bed.  Remir was in the doorway, a big grin on his face.  I sighed.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"We'd begun to wonder if Tonio had screwed you to death and I decided I'd better come check out the situation."

"He's very much alive, as you can see, Remir," Tonio said with a laugh.  "We've been plotting the future together."

"Oh?"  a hint of suspicion in Remir's voice.  He shrugged, entered the room and sat on the bed.  "Well, I don't know about the distant future but I've got a pretty good idea what the immediate future looks like."

"Let me guess," I began. 

Remir didn't let me finish.  "Auriel wants you at the club this evening.  Says he misses you."

It was my turn to laugh as Tonio grew still and silent beside me.  Remir surprised me then.  He lay a hand on Tonio's head, stroked his curls, an expression I've seen only once or twice, stole across his face.

"Auriel and Adamnae are facts of our lives, beautiful boy."

I couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing.  Maybe I should have been jealous - of whom, I wasn't really sure.  But Remir's tone of voice, the look in his eyes, went straight to my heart.  I caught the hand tangled in Tonio's curls and kissed the long fingers, one by one.  Tonio was smiling when I looked at him and I knew it wouldn't be long before Remir joined us in bed.  Not this evening, though.  Remir caressed my jaw for a moment before standing.

 "Don't be too late," he said as he headed for the door.  "I'll be bored without you."

Then, I heard, *What about the woman, Grey?*

 I looked at Tonio.  He had closed his eyes and snuggled against me.

Later, Remir.

I felt amusement and then he was gone.
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